*PLEASE READ THE GIFT OF MOONLIGHT FIRST.. IT’S BETTER THAT WAY.. OR YOU CAN READ THIS FIRST IF YOU WANT… BUT IT WOULD STILL BE BETTER IF YOU READ TGM FIRST
Sometimes I wonder how he could have even seen me in the first place. Was it because I was pretty? Was it because I was smart? Was it because I was gifted? Or was it because he couldn’t have her and so he settled for the next best thing. Jared and Cassandra had been friends since they were little. They’ve been together for so long that everyone thought they’d end up as lovers. Then I showed up and ruined everything.
I spent the summer of two years ago at my uncle’s house in a suburb near the beach. That was when I met Jared and Cass. I was never good at anything that involved balance and coordination, but I tried to surf anyway. Jared, probably seeing how pathetic I was, came to my rescue and offered me some lessons. Starting that day. I spent my entire summer with Jared and Cass. but mostly Jared. He would buy me lunch, ask me to go boating, he even offered me dinner on his father’s yacht. Jared and I grew closer and Cass didn’t show up much anymore, then I received news that I was to transfer schools and attend the same highschool as Jared and Cass. When I first told them about the news, Jared embraced me and I just stood there awestricken and unable to respond. The warmth from his hug was too soothing and to overwhelming to ignore. I allowed myself to wallow in his touch, but when I opened my eyes, I saw Cass. She was just standing there, smiling, but I could see her pupils twitching and tears about to break so I freed myself from Jared and turned to Cass.
“Great! we’re going to have so much fun together!” she exclaimed.
“I’m so glad you’re staying!!” Jared added.
“Yeah, me too,” I replied, directing my gaze to Jared.
We spent that night around a bonfire, roasting marshmallows, and just reminiscing the past summer and how fun it’s been. Cass received a text message from her mom telling her to come home coz her dad’s coming back from a business trip in England and they all had to be there when he gets back.
Then it was just me, Jared, the bonfire, and the sea.
“Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m really staying. This summer has been so much fun and I thought it’ll all end soon.”
Silence. Awkward silence. Except for the crackling firewood and the sound of distant waves.
“Lis, I’ve had so much fun with you and lately I’ve been thinking, do you think we could ever be more than just friends?”
“Why?”
“You’re pretty, you’re fun, you make witty comments that make my head turn but in a good way, and you’re just so perfect I don’t think I’d be able to stand just being friends with you. I know this is cheesy, but I think I don’t just like you.” I was shivering, but it wasn’t because of the chilly wind; it was because of what I was about to say.
“I think I love you too.”
His hand reached for my head and he cupped my faced with his right, and held my shoulders with his left to keep myself from shivering. The kiss was mtutual and unprecedented. It drove me insane and all I wanted was to keep on kissing him, to let him feel what I’d been feeling for the past summer, and to absorb his passion and his tenderness. All I wanted was to melt in his hands, and in a way I did. I was breatheless and I could hear my heart banging on my chest, but I was happy and I was inlove with Jared. And that was all that mattered.
Jared and I had a steady relationship for two years, and finally graduation day came. Jared and I planned to go to the State University together, but Cass decided to stay for a while since she said she was sick of studying and she wanted to take a break. Jared, Cass and I originally planned to spend graduation night on the beach where we first met, but my grandma gave me a surprise visit so I had to stay home and entertain her for a while. I told Jared and Cass to continue with the plan and if by 11 I’m not there yet then it meant I wasn’t coming.
My grandma went to sleep at around 10:45 so I decided I might still be able to make it. I walked as fast as I could to reach our meeting place in time but it was already 11:07 and I was still a few meters off. I decided I might be too late, but then I saw a bonfire and thought I’d creep up from the shadows and surprise them; how I’d love to see the looks on their scared faces! I went as quietly as I could, hiding behind every beach umbrella left open. I thought the last umbrella and this is it, I’ll jump at them with my hair at my face and I’ll hug Jared so that they’ll know it’s me, so I peeked out from the umbrella to gauge the best angle for an assault, but instead of surprising them, it was me who was taken by surprise.
Cass and Jared were locked in a tight embrace, sharing the most passionate kiss I had ever seen. There was something different in the way Jared kissed Cass. He looked more in love than the times when he kissed me. His hands were wound around Cass in a hold that seemed to say he didn’t want the moment to end, he didn’t want to let her go. Then all of our memories came flashing back to me. In school, everyone seemed to look at me as the third party, like I came in and ruined a perfectly good couple. Jared’s parents also treated Cassandra as thought she were Jared’s girlfriend, not I. Even Jared. Sometimes when I lay my head upod his shoulder and he places his arm on mine, it felt as though he was pretending I was someone else. Sometimes when we hug, I feel as thought he was trying hard not to let me go. Sometimes when we kiss, his lips are hard and forceful, as though demanding a different set of lips, wishing mine be replaced by someone else’s. But I didn’t mind because I love him. And I was contented to absorb his love, even if it wasn’t meant for me. I was contented, but I wasn’t happy. Now I know, it was never me. It had always been Cassandra, right from the start. But why? Why did he have to use me? Why did he have to caress my cheek and pretend it was her’s? How did he even see me in the first place when all that he had been wishing for was her?
I crouched behind the umbrella as I heard the sand scattered by their footsteps. They didn’t hear me cry – because I didn’t sob, I didn’t say anything; I just let the tears roll down as I closed my eyes pretending – wishing – I were dead. Death would have been better than this.
——————————–
I didn’t tell Jared; I just kept playing my part, and so did he. It’s been six months since we moved to the city to study at State. I haven’t seen Cass since that night, but I have been her for the last six months. I took Jared’s kisses, I succumbed into his hugs, even though I know they weren’t mine. It was fair, we were both playing pretend – he pretend I was Cass, and I pretended his love was real. Sometimes I too pretended I was Cass, so atleast I could pretend that those gestures really are for me. Whatever masks had there been, whatever roles I had played, it made no difference. The bottom line was that we were both pretending, but if pretending was the only way, then I would have been willing to be a professional actress.
Today, Jared got a call from Cass’s mom.Cass was in the hospital and she needed to see Jared badly. I wondered how ill Cass could be that Jared’s visit couldn’t wait. His car was going beyond his normal speed, and he was sweating inspite of the airconditioner. I looked at him and I could really see the tension and the anxiety in his arched brows. How I wish Jared would show me that kind of concern as well.
We arrived at the hospital and I saw Cass on the bed: pale, eyes closed, and struggling to breathe. The cardiograph was panicking then it suddenly produced a continuous beep, a straight line. Death with his wretched scythe. Jared rushed to Cass and placed a kiss on her forehead, then to her lips. Had Cass been alive, I would have been dead. but Cass was dead, and I could only feel sorry for them – both of them.
Now I understood.
Cass didn’t want them to be lovers cause she didn’t want to leave him when her imminent death would come. She surrendered her love and gave Jared to me because she knew I would take care of him. Jared didn’t tell Cass his true feelings because they’d been friends for a long time, and he certainly didn’t want to ruin that friendship. He also confessed to me about that kiss at the beach and he told me he was only doing Cass a favor, perhaps, from there, he deduced that Cass only viewed his kiss as a favor from a friend. Pity these two lovers. They never gave themselves a chance. Cass had loved Jared, but she didn’t show it because she thought Jared chose me and she didn’t want to leave him to misery when this day happens. Jared had loved Cass but he thought she didn’t love him back and he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. That’s why he chose me. I was only an option, but I made him my priority. Don’t get me wrong, It’s not someting I regret.
Cass is dead and though I’m supposed to be happy because I’ll finally own Jared, I’m not. Because first of all, Cass is my friend. Jared loved Cass too much that all I wanna do know is be Cass just to make Jared happy, because I love him too much as well. As my promise to Cass, I will try my best to make Jared happy, even if I can never be her. I’ll take care of him and I hope, someday, he’ll be able to see me, not as Cass, but as me. I hope that someday, I would make him and Cass both happy. This is my promise to Cass, and this is my promise to myself. I am only moonlight, Cass is the sun. But when the sun has set, without the moon, the darkness would leave one blind. Tomorrow, I hope I could be the sun as well. For now, it’s moonlight that Jared needs most, the morning will have to wait.
note: for those who’ve read “The Gift of Moonlight”, this story is writen in the point of view of the other girl, Lisa. She’s the one standing at the door when Cass died. The Gift of Moonlight is also posted in this blog..
