There I was, perched upon a tree branch as sturdy as my bird bones were fragile. I saw him walking down the sidewalk, like he did every morning. This time I was determined to fly to him and gaze at his tantalizing human eyes. I wanted to search him and I wanted to discover that somewhere deep within his gaze was a person capable of loving a bird. I fumbled trying to fix my feathers; I wanted to look my best for this moment; I wanted him to
notice how such a wonderful bird I am.
Then I swooped down and followed close behind him, tweetering and twattering as sweetly and as loudly as I could that he might hear me and fall inlove with my melodious singing. Nothing happened. Growing impatient, I paced up until I was about five meters in front of him, then very slowly I turned to face him as he walked towards me.
Face to face we were. Then he held out his hand and I landed on his warm palm. The heat radiating from his skin was too much for me to handle. I tilted my head again and again. you see, when birds keep on tilting their heads and looking at you, they’re already deep within your soul, learning the things you yourself have never known.
he looked at me with a parallel intensity, and I couldn’t seem to penetrate his gaze. He battled my eyes with his own as he tried to look deep into mine. Oh, and when he smiled – that sweet smile I see him make each and every morning as I peep inside through his windows – when he smiled I felt my feathers scorched by the flame he’s building up inside of me. He drew me closer to his cheek as he tried to smoothen my feathers with his skin and all I could do was shiver with delight. If only he were a bird, or if only I were human.
He lifted his hand as if to let me fly, and I refused at first. but with all the intensity and hapiness inside me, what can a bird do but fly? don’t humans say they can fly with hapiness? doesn’t hapiness make a human feel as though he was soaring high up in the air? and so i flew! I flew high up in the skies! I flew above the clouds! I flew up to the highest reaches my little wings could carry me for I have never felt such hapiness until we touched.
If it wasn’t for the enormous pleasure this encounter has given me, I would have died with pain when a bullet shot through my wings as they spread foregrounding the sky. down and down I fell but my love for him seemed to wash away all the pain as my vision turned to black and I felt my body hit the ground – the last thing i remember was being carried by a familiar hand – a hand I recognized, but I wasn’t quite sure for the bullet has made a muddle out of my mind.
When I woke up, I was laid across a white satin cloth inside a human bedroom. strange but the bedroom seemed so familiar to me – and then I realized: could it be? could that gunshot have damaged my wings such that I may never know flight again and yet has brought me to this place where I’ll never need to fly again? Just the sight of him could bring me to heights!!
I was in his bedroom and my wings weren’t recovered completely – and I wish they never will that I may stay inside this heaven until the end of my short and happy life.
He entered the room and my spirit burned with all the longing and the frustration. His smile was there and his eyes were as dazzling as usual. but then this human girl followed behind him. they were laughing and they were touching each other and I heard him tell her “let’s do it”
I’m not a human and so I didn’t know what ‘it’ meant, but it seemed to be something good as the girl’s face brightened and she nodded with vehemence – a mischievous look in her eyes.
he too seemed to like this ‘it’. before i knew it, the lights went out and ecerything was dark.
it’s a good thing we birds can see quite well in the dark – it’s an ability i treasured so much coz i can see him inside his bedroom when he slept. this night however was something different. he did not sleep – much less was he alone. when the lights went out i saw him touch his lips with the girl’s, toxic and ravenous, they slanted against each other in a frantic manner. and then he slowly removed whatever covered the girl’s skin. and he removed his as well.. and then I couldn’t describe it anymore – i saw things i’ve never seen before. and yes, i saw him happy and i heard his screams and I heard his pleasure and i saw the girl returning the fervor. they looked so much inlove with each other that all i can do was stare at them. i don’t know if humans can cry coz I’ve never seen him cry and he was the only human i knew – but birds, birds can certainly cry. when birds cry they couldn’t fly, and their voice turns into a croak. how i wished i could’ve sung that night, to let him know i loved him, to let him know i still loved him despite seeing him share such passion with another human, but i couldn’t. when i tried to sing nothing came out. when i tried to fly, i found i couldn’t. and so i stared at them – just looking at them wishing i could get to share that same passion with the human i love. all throughout the night as they lie there without their removable feathers, i kept looking
at him and how I hated his smile that time. I liked it when he smiled but that night was different. but i hated the human girl more. i hated her so much that my hatred gave me strength. then i became strong enough to lift my wings. and i flew to them, landed on the monster’s face and tried to peck at the skin covering her big eyes.
The human’s scream woke him up and he caught me by my neck and threw me out the window – that was the last time i ever saw him, and the last time i felt his touch
i lay at the sidewalk; the heat was back in my chest. the heat of my blood oozing out my thin layer of bird skin consumed my mind, and my white feathers turned to rose petals as the lava flowed out from my veins.
all i ever wanted was to look deep in his eyes – all i ever needed was love – the love of this human. i couldn’t hate him, not even now. in fact i love him even more – i love him more than ever before – i love him with all the love a little bird can offer.
as i lay there, dying, waiting for my last breath, a pair of cupped hands cuddled my blood-soaked feathers and drew me close – close to that human’s heart.
“oh, little bird, i wish i were you! i wish i could fly high up in the skies and make beautiful songs! i wish i had beautiful feathers like yours! I wish i were a lovebird just like you so I can love all I want and have no one to break my heart. but it seems you’re dying little bird… let me see what I can do…”
humans are fools. beautiful feathers didn’t make me any more attractive to him than that human girl, much less when she removed her feathers. beautiful songs can’t tell him how much I love him – to him they are all just mere tweets and chirps. and why fly? why fly up to loneliness when the human I love is here? glued to the ground and fated to remain here forever – as I am fated to die. You stupid human. you can’t do anything; i’ll die anyway, and I’ve accepted that fact – as i’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be more than just a mass of pretty feathers with cute tweetering to him. to the human I love.
and as i die i can’t help but wish him all the hapiness even if i’m not there anymore. even if i’m not there atop the tree waiting for him every morning, singing to him my song of love – even if he doesn’t understand. i don’t care as long as i know i love him and as long as he is happy.
and the most wonderful thing i envy about humans are lips. they have lips to tell each other how much they love them, though they rarely do so. they have lips to make each other feel their love, yet they use them for fouler things.
and most especially, i wish i had lips that i might at least give him a smile to let him know how happy I am just loving him with all the love a little bird can give.
