I hope doing this would help. I’m better now, a lot better. Come November 21, I’ll draw the line where a new life starts, and every entry before such must be considered irrelevant. Though, I’m not going to delete them, for clerical purposes.

I have to get away from you. because I’m scared of two things. First, that I, or we, get used to being friends and ONLY friends. And I’m still hopeful, so that’ll hurt. Second, I might hate you if I stay. I’ve been saying this alot of times, I don’t want to hate. Butyou make me fall for you, and then break my heart, over and over, and over again. Like it’s an everyday thing. I know you’re not aware of it. But you don’t have to be aware. I’m just sooo sorry. I can’t be your friend anymore, because I don’t want to hate you for hurting me, every single day. I want to love you. And I want to remember you as that person I love, that’s why I have to stay away now, before it’s too late.

-

I don’t know what to do either

-

feeler na kung feeler. haha pero alam ko. kahit siya kinakausap mo, kahit siya pinagkakatiwalaan mo, kahit siya ang gusto mo, kahit siya laman ng isip mo, alam kong ako parin laman ng puso mo. XD

di ko alam, baka pagpapakafeel good lang to. pero ayun kung hindi man totoo, ok lang..

basta masaya ako

I love you still. Not because I can’t stop loving you. I can. But I still choose to. Because that’s how love is for me. It’s a choice, it’s a commitment, even if it’s unrequited. It hurts to love like this, but I choose to hurt, rather than not to feel at all. Not that I’ve closed my heart  to anyone else. I have been opening my heart, and hear one or two knocking in, but I can’t love them. I can’t even feel the least bit kilig. Seeing them, inhaling their scent, doesn’t make my heart beat any faster. It’s still you.

And it sucks ‘coz you’re falling for her. And she’s falling for you too. You can’t deny it even if you try to. You just don’t wan to think about it because she’s with someone. but you can feel it, that she longs to be with you. And you long to be with her too. And I feel sooo stupid.

Why the hell can’t I get over you?

I’m forever going to suck at being a friend. Because I’ll love you, and keep falling. all over again.

It would be nice to hear you say you miss me, you love me still, or you’re falling for me again. But it’s not like that. You’ll fall in love with each other, and I’m gonna have to live with that.

Sometimes I still see us together, when I look at the nothingness of space and get lost in my own thoughts. I still see us, laughing together, smiling together. you hugging me, not because I’m crying, but because we’re happy. together. And God oh how much I wish for that. If you would still have me. If you were with me now. Not as I was but as I am now. better, stronger, more independent. I couldn’t have loved you better than I did, but I’m sure, I could be a better person to love. If only you’d see that. If you could only see how much better we could be. But I couldn’t make you see it, that would be wrong. So wrong.

Nah, I’m still not over you. I’ve let go, but I haven’t move on. That’s why it hurts. sooo much. I want to be your friend, but it hurts. I’ll just have to endure that though. I’d rather be your friend even when it hurts. that have you out of my life. like everything we’ve been through means nothing.

Take me in your arms. cloth me. love me.

you can’t.

-

PUTANG INA ANG SAKIIIIIIT!!!!

akala ko makakayanan ko. ngayon, na mas malinaw na, na mas nakikita ko na, na hinihintay ko nalang mangyari talaga. AYOKO NA. ANG SAKIT TALAGA.

mahirap umiyak mag-isa.

better

I feel a whole lot better than how I used to feel. Now, I know why. It brought more blessings than it took away. And you only made me love you even more. You did that for me, even when it was hard, on your part too. To think, yours was the harder part to do. But you had the courage anyway, because you knew we both needed this. And so I thank you. Because you just proved to me that you love me more than I thought you did. Love doesn’t always mean staying together. Sometimes it means having to let go, because it’s for the better. I’m confused about right now. I make myself believe that you don’t love me anymore, so hoping doesn’t lead to disappointment when that time comes that you’d fall inlove with someone else. But my heart is stubborn, it doesn’t want to move on. I’ve moved on in the sense that I stopped mourning you. I stopped being miserable because I know that you’re happy. I just hope that someday you find your happiness with me again. I’m still hoping, no matter how many turnovers, na tayo parin in the end. What you said, about still seeing us in the future, gave me a lot of hope. You may think it gave me something to cling to, to prevent me from moving on, but on the contrary, it helped me move on faster. Because, I want to be in that future already. Where we are, where an ‘us’ will exist again. And you’ll fall in love with me…again. Does that really happen? It happens for some people; I hope  get lucky too. How I wish I’d transfer my acads luck to this.

I miss your smell, the scent of your skin, the scent of your sweater, and the scent of you beside me. Everytime we touch, even if we’re only friends now, even if it might not mean anything to you, your touch still sends shivers down my spine. It’s not like the kilig of a newfound love. It’s that sort that brings back memories. Of how your touch used to feel.

yes. I still love you. But I am truly happy that we’re friends again. So I’m just gonna stick with that. If you fall in love with me again, great. But if not, I have taught myself to be complacent. Knowing you are happy, even if it’s not with me, is reward enough. At least, I hope she’s someone who doesn’t make you want to cry.

But in the end, I still hope she’s me.

-

She’s pretty, I know. She’s cute, too. You always had good taste. I was a fluke. You didn’t like me because I was good-looking, nor was I cute. You fell for me because I was your best friend. Maybe I was right, maybe you  did fall for what I did to you, not for me.

Everytime you enter my mind, which is almost always most of the time, I can’t help but think about her too. The things you talk about, the laughs you share together, the things you do for her, the feelings you have for her, and how you wished that she were yours. The same way I wish that it were me you’re wishing for. But, honestly though, I can see it coming, she breaking up with her 2-year bf, you hooking up together and having the time of your lives, and me feeling miserable and hanging out somewhere else, just to prevent myself from hurting. From seeing you together. I know I should be happy for you, that you’re falling in love again, believe me I try to be, but it’s hard when I’m hurting, when I try to, but can’t manage to fall out of love for you.

You were never everything I ever wanted, but I didn’t know what I wanted until I met you.

Bitter ako, I’m sorry.

Untitle Song

Lyrics for the song I’m trying to compose. No title yet

Sometimes I go to sleep

with a smile on my face

Thinking tomorrow will be a new day

I wake up crying from the dreams

Where you kiss me and ask me to stay

I can’t keep up with these games I play

Coz you’re gone and I can’t chase you

Your smile ain’t like before

We’re joking around, but the joke’s on me

I’m always gonna want something more

Where did it go?

Where did I lose you?

I want to move on, but then I don’t want to

I’m setting you free, I’m letting you go

I just wish I wouldn’t have to

Looking at our pictures

Passing by the donut store

The scent of strawberries and memories

they take me in

I close my eyes and see you there

and i feel your arms around my shoulder

I always thought that we were stronger

But now you’re gone and I can’t chase you

Your smile ain’t like before

We’re joking around, but the joke’s on me

I’m always gonna want something more

Where did it go?

Where did I lose you?

I want to move on, but then I don’t want to

I’m setting you free, I’m letting you go

I just wish I wouldn’t have to

Bridge:

I’ll wait for you, I’m moving on

I have to go, I don’t belong

where you are

So I won’t let me bring you down

But I still hope I find you where I’m gone

Coz you’re gone and I can’t chase you

Your smile ain’t like before

We’re joking around, but the joke’s on me

I’m always gonna want something more

Where did it go?

Where did I lose you?

I want to move on, but then I don’t want to

I’m setting you free, I’m letting you go

I just wish I wouldn’t have to

Sometimes I go to sleep

with a smile on my face

Thinking tomorrow will be a new day

I wake up crying from the dreams

Where you kiss me and ask me to stay

I can’t keep up with these games I play

Coz you’re gone and I can’t chase you

Your smile ain’t like before

We’re joking around, but the joke’s on me

I’m always gonna want something more

Where did it go?

Where did I lose you?

I want to move on, but then I don’t want to

I’m setting you free, I’m letting you go

I just wish I wouldn’t have to

Looking at our pictures

Passing by the donut store

The scent of strawberries and memories

they take me in

I close my eyes and see you there

and i feel your arms around my shoulder

I always thought that we were stronger

But now you’re gone and I can’t chase you

Your smile ain’t like before

We’re joking around, but the joke’s on me

I’m always gonna want something more

Where did it go?

Where did I lose you?

I want to move on, but then I don’t want to

I’m setting you free, I’m letting you go

I just wish I wouldn’t have to

Bridge:

I’ll wait for you, I’m moving on

I have to go, I don’t belong

where you are

So I won’t let me bring you down

But I still hope I find you where I’m gone

Coz you’re gone and I can’t chase you

Your smile ain’t like before

We’re joking around, but the joke’s on me

I’m always gonna want something more

Where did it go?

Where did I lose you?

I want to move on, but then I don’t want to

I’m setting you free, I’m letting you go

I just wish I wouldn’t have to

-

if only you knew, how it kills me inside

I’m still crying each night

Though I try to hide

It felt so right. How could it have ended? i never saw it coming. I wish you’d come and kiss away these tears. The way you used to, the way you never will again. I’m missing you so much, and it hurts to look at you each day and joke around and always wanting something more. But I’ll keep pretending to be ok, because I like seeing you happy.

I love you enough to let you go.

But I wish dreams would still come true. The way they used to for me. This is the price of loving truly. It’s worth it I know. Just that it shouldn’t have ended.

WE COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH MUCH BETTER. YOU SAID WE’VE EXHAUSTED ALL OUR CHANCES. BUT I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE WERE STRONGER. MUCH STRONGER THAN THIS. WHAT DO I DO?